The What ifs and the If onlys

If only I could stop with the if onlys..haha!  While it is fun to joke, I'm actually very serious about this one.  I've noticed how often I find myself deep in thought about something that is an if only or a what if.  How pointless.  The bible very clearly tells me to focus my thoughts on above.  What is right, true, pure, holy.  But instead, I go straight to dwelling on what if.... 

I've noticed this a lot more since being in Irvine.  We know Matt's program is only 2 years and then we will move.  Only the Lord knows if we will move down the street, back to Woodland Hills or some other far off place - but it is certain we will move.  Graduate student housing doesn't look kindly on squatters who have finished their program.  I have found myself on numerous occasions thinking deeply about our situation.  What if he gets a job around here and we end up staying permanently, if only I knew what the next two years were going to look like then I could plan accordingly, what if we have to wait to start our family until he is graduated, if only I had the perfect job then I wouldn't think about how we are going to pay the bills.  I could continue and you would be appalled at my thinking.  What might appal you even more is that I am comforted by my thoughts.  Not true comfort, like what comes from the Lord, but comforted to know I'm thinking and examining all possible scenarios.  Silly - He doesn't ask us to sit in anxiety over what might happen. He asks us to pray, submit ourselves to his leading and grow in our understanding of Him. I recognize there is nothing of value in any of my thoughts and if this is all I think about I have not moved forward in my pursuit of holiness.  The Lord has been revealing this sin in my life and urging me to cast it off.  But the writer of Hebrews is right in saying we are so easily entangled by our sin.  

So I find it is helpful and necessary to always go back to what I know is true.  The Lord promises He will never leave or forsake us.  This doesn't mean that He will go along with my plan - but rather the Poladian family will be right where He wants us.  Under His wing and in His will.  Oh, I pray that my comfort would come from that instead of from all my crazy thoughts.  I know I can not make decisions looking backward - I need to have faith and rely on the unseen when moving forward.  I'm thankful for this time of stretching.  My faith is growing and that is always good.